One of the walking wounded she stepped forward, a courageous choice. Inside she carried the marks of one whose life was marred. It wasn’t always so. As a baby she was initially joyful, an effervescent bubble of happiness. Most babies live in this oceanic state of bliss. It doesn’t last. They recognize slowly they are something separate from mom, from dad, from others. An ego forms and in stages the outer world conditions it. The inner world tries to make sense of it. At sixteen she had scars, many deep scars unseen….until a trigger event burst a few of them into the open. Having only faint awareness of how conditioning is local, partial, limited, she thought she was bad, a lesser person no matter how hard she tried, no matter how much she read, no matter who she took into her confidence. The pain on gray days became overwhelming. All the energy that kept them hidden was then spent. Then something happened and she was healed almost completely. The healing didn’t come from some robed other praying over her, although she sought that time and again and prayed often. It didn’t come through friends and others accepting her into their private groups. It didn’t come through lengthy visits to a renown therapist or doctor working together in concert. It didn’t come from family but came from a best friend; a best friend that woke her up in the middle of a long night. On that particular night she sat up in bed and raised her chin. With eyes closed she saw her ‘conditioned’ ego as only an ego, only a part. A part that got her this far and tried exceptionally hard to protect her but it was wounded, often misled and now hurting like a trapped rabbit she once saw. What arose then on this otherwise silent night was a powerful awareness that came from inside her but felt like a hand above her. She had an ‘ego’ but was much more than an ego. It was filled with many conditioned harmful thoughts, memories and misleading information. For the first time she was able to just really let go. She saw those harmful parts rising up like a balloon then floating away. There was no need to grasp them, no need to mull them over. There was only this new-found inclination to release them, let them keep floating to some unknown distant plane. At the same time with eyes closed she felt the warmth radiating through her. It seemed to seep into every corner and crevice…..and she knew it originated not from without but within. At that moment she remembered an elderly woman saying that there are things that cannot be taught. They must be caught. They must rise up on their own.
- Sun, Nov 4, 2018